At first, I thought it was impossible for me to quit from this world. Ya know, it’s kinda funny, and free myself as well. No need to pretend as another person. I am myself, in this world. Those people are idealistic, and I feel comfy to be with’em. Feels like climbing a mountain, yet I enjoy the views then.
But nowadays, that thought ruins my mind. Ok, it’s been only one year. Ok I’m not that great. But I DO enjoy this. But there are tons of reason to leave these all, then. Ok my tears seem like want to spill, as I write this. Such a burden, I should make a clear stance.
First, it’s about my scores in class. I AM very bad on lessons. Imagining if I didn’t enter this world. Imagining if I chose another school so I wouldn’t face this one. At first I thought, how on earth could I survive in such boring yet conventional school such 14 SHS? Oh God, if I didn’t find this world, I would be so bored. I would be that geek. I would be the student that go home earlier, study like hell, get 100 in maths, and such bullshit things. But now I ask to myself : what’s so wrong with that? Momma, teachers, even my pals complain about my abandoned lessons. Now I begin to think. I want to please them all. What is so wrong about being a brilliant mathematician in your class? If I didn’t fall to this world too deep…
Second, it’s about my pals. Ok maybe it’s a secret. I begin to loathe them. A person that I thought would support me, now she’s not that neutral. Such inconvenience, and I hate this situation.
Third, it’s about their mindset. “Why did you indulge yourself on this?” “This is useless!” “It won’t earn money.” “Apa enaknya sih?” “Kebanyakan ***** sih lo!” At first I complained, “Hey, it’s my indulgence! Respect my rights please!” But then, I ask myself as they insist me. “Why the heck did I indulge MYSELF on this???” Yeah I have the right. Yeah I have my own body. But, yeah, it’s not their fault if I felt too much like this. Ok I start to be annoyingly irrational.
I blame myself for being too excessive. I am still 16. I even haven’t graduated yet from high school. Who knows if 10 years from now on, I’ll be a brilliant mathematician? Who knows if I’ll be a researcher. A simple question from my brother makes me muse for a whole day. Some of their questions remain unanswered, remain as another reasons to stop then. Maybe I should prioritize lessons and pals first. Maybe this is just not my fate. Maybe.
(OH GOD WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENED TO ME? WHY DID I WRITE THIS???)
mantap
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